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LIFEIt wasn't me, it was my cousin.
Now, if it would have been any other person, this story would have ended right here. But, you see, my cousin is not like other people.
He likes to argue, he likes to laugh, he likes hot löylys. So there were 3 humans, two mice and 3 bears. It was the way it should be, the way it always had been. They all lived in a strange atmosphere of familiar contentment. They finished each others sentences and scrubbed each others backs. They wanted for nothing and were happy, or thought they were. Then one dark evening after a nice hot sauna but before the traditional late supper of sausage with fried onions and boiled potatoes. Now, they had heard those noises earlier, but thought nothing of it. Little did they know that their cousin would go out to investigate. What he found I would like not to repeat it , but I would have to in order for this story to make sense. Now, when the cousin went to investigate, he found something that made his heart miss a couple of beats, his eyes got watery, not from crying but from surprise and total fear. When he regained his composure he screamed, then he took a deep breath and screamed again. The others came running. They screamed too, and before long not only were they screaming but the poor little monster that they had discovered while he was peeing and farting in the forest started screaming also. Well, this went on for sometime until gradually one by one each one stopped, gasping for air, and looking at the other, speechless, afraid and bewildered. No one was sure what to do next - it was as if they were all expecting something to happen, but it didn't.
-Yo, mate, like, DO
All this time, the scared-shitless monster had been frozen dead still. Now he slowly regained his senses and peered quizically at the three odd creatures at twelve'o'clock. Yep. There could be no doubt about it. They were those creatures that his mother had told him about. The ones that kill animals in order to eat, the ones that kill each other for some black substances, the ones that have 2 eyes (weird). Then one of the creatures said something that sounded like:
-Do you know what we can do with an amount this big?
And he only understood what it said because of those intensive courses in the Goketlinafafarri academy, where they teach their language and habits. Then the monster heard:
-We can get the gnarliest trip out of that!!
What are they talking about?- the monster thought. His mind went back, way,way back to the boring lessons he had been made to sit through at the academy. The words started forming slowly in his head. The meanings reappearing like images out of a dense mist and as they became clear, the little monster became scared. Danger, danger flashed in his brain and then before he realised what he was doing he began to run, run faster than his six little legs had ever run before, while behind rang the cacophony of strange voices that had alarmed him.
-Shit man he's getting away
The voices faded into the distance. The little monster was safe at last. Meanwhile back at the ranch...
-You want them sunny side up? asked the cheery little
housewife quite matter of factly.
The next day the 3 people, the mice and the 3 little bears woke up to the sound of the bells from the nearby church. After having some esp. with lactose and some baked flour with sweetberry jam, they proceeded to go back to where they saw the 6 legged, 3 and a half eyed, purple creature, or was it blue with yellow? :-) What they found there was one of the oddest artifacts that anyone on this 3 moon planet has ever seen, it was a fry pan with a fried egg done sunny side up, but stone cold. Only they didn't know that. They thought it was some strange hat or maybe a sign of some sort. They lifted it carefully, turned it upside down and shook it. Nothing happened, but it smelt kind of good despite the fact that it was cold and fried in cod liver oil. They decided that it must have belonged to the monster and therefore would be sellable for a great amount of money to the museum of Montesario which collected such rare and interesting artifacts as this was. As they were discussing how much they would ask for, get, and spend in one go, the three bears had concerns of their own...
-What is the meaning of our existence if not to be or
-Now, I KNOW I have seen that face somewhere before.... If I could only bring it up to my extended RAM. Aaaah, now I know. It was the same face that I saw in a Emit magazine while I was vacationing at the carambaplayita, the local beach of the planet Solmentu which has 2 suns for the whole purpose of enjoyment. The monster, or Kyocerops as he is known at the local cybergym, went to the library to see if he can find a copy of the Emit mag. As he was entering the library he spoted one of his fellows.
-Hello Kyocerops, what's up?
Anyway, you know the usual drill. One monster who is obsessed with the opposite sex talking to another monster who has realised there is more to life than reproduction. I won't bore you with details. The long and the short of it is that Kyocerops found his back issue, identified the human as the one advertising the special McDork burger at McMNonsters and satisfied his burning curiosity.
-Whoa, that was faar out.
Once upon a time, many moons ago and even further back than that, I happened to see something that changed my life. After that nothing ever felt quite the same. Whenever I looked at green it seemed kind of reddish, whenever I heard something sad it made me laugh, happy it made me cry. Everything happened upside down and round the wrong way, and I could only link this strange phenomena to the night in the woods when I met the monster. You see, I fell in love with that monster, in a split second. All of a sudden his little face no longer seemed grotesque and scary; the large, deformed nose seemed cute; it didn't seem to matter that it was only two feet tall...I could learn to live with that. My life changed...I felt love for the first time in my life and in the next moment had my heart broken more fatally and cruelly than I imagined it ever could be, for that little, beautiful, love-of-my-life monster took one look at me, screamed in horror, and fled into the darkening woods, never to be sighted again. Or so I thought.
- Wow, I never heard that story before, you kept it a
Meanwhile, Kyocerops was attending a party with his friends at the Grufdisco (that they used to call the Hot Slut, but were sued by some para-military feminist strippers who had registered that trademark for their somewhat obscure postorder-catalogue-company dealing in U.S junk bonds.)
- Hey Kyocerops, do you want a Crorona?
The music went boom crash bang, Kyocerops eyes went
bluey. It was bliss. And no Texan Rangers in sight
either. Aaahh. After three generous swigs of Mexican
Brandy Life was worth living (until morning, that is. If
there is one thing you don't see, it's a Kyocerops hung
over. Why? Their incestines turn to molten lead and they
quietly end up in Arkansas, selling Windows-95 to alien
dupe fiends. That, alas, is another story).
-I said CLOSING TIME. C-L-O-S-I-N-G T-I-M-E.
There it was. He had done it. Done the one thing You Just Don't Do. They always told you. At birth, in school, on the telly, at sleep, on the back of cereals.
You are free. You can go. But. Don't besmirch Your Fath, or there will be hell to pay. No milk with the cereals. No commercials on the tivu. And we will actually make you pay for those holidays in Cambodia.(So. You're disappointed this was the only Nostradamus prediction to hit the nail. Well. What can I tell you? What did you expect? The answer to the Universe? What's the question?. Tell you one thing though. Kyocerops was angry as hell when he woke up in Arkansas with 2000 pages of noncommital Windows-95 sales blurbs to read and memorize before breakfast.)
-You done with
They tumble for a while in the crisp white wintery snow, yet untouched by human hand, but soon a real mess. They whip up their little semi-automatic and click a few memories. They bundle up on the snowboard and go whooshing down in death-despising manner. While laughing and screaming their heads off in joyous terror the following conversation is overheard. It has been edited by Controller SwQQ1.b.
-So, where did you meet this sweet meat of
End of transcript D21-22-06.z
de-classified under registration act 22.9x1)
this is all too much, the table said gloomily. Or rather
muttered, under its breadth. It hadn't attended those
fancy edifices of higher education for nil. But the
gloom, well, maybe it was a Monday table. It had long
since given up on its owners idiosyncrasies, and may the
thoughts of a safe life peril, thwarted by those men with
musketeers (or was it sables? It wasn't sure anymore.
Somehow the mem-chip had gotten fuddled up). Or maybe
that too, had a Mind of its' own. Tended to cling to
certain, seemingly random, mem-images. The white crisp
snow. The warmth of a hot Sauna in deep winter. The
initial sheer terror before recognition. And
bacon/w/eggs, sunny side up? Bizarre humor, or simple
intra-interference (sure, those blurbs all said it wasn't
possible, but shucks, a lot of things were not possible,
and yet...) Quite simply, the table was bored, and had
used some of its' energy bandwidth to conjure up certain
images from long since perished times. For amusement,
and, possibly, educational purposes. Not that the
material presented any obvoius entries, but that was part
of the "fun".
to be continued by PETRI