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It wasn't me, it was my cousin.
Now, if it would have been any other person, this story would have ended right here. But, you see, my cousin is not like other people.
He likes to argue, he likes to laugh, he likes hot löylys. So there were 3 humans, two mice and 3 bears. It was the way it should be, the way it always had been. They all lived in a strange atmosphere of familiar contentment. They finished each others sentences and scrubbed each others backs. They wanted for nothing and were happy, or thought they were. Then one dark evening after a nice hot sauna but before the traditional late supper of sausage with fried onions and boiled potatoes. Now, they had heard those noises earlier, but thought nothing of it. Little did they know that their cousin would go out to investigate. What he found I would like not to repeat it , but I would have to in order for this story to make sense. Now, when the cousin went to investigate, he found something that made his heart miss a couple of beats, his eyes got watery, not from crying but from surprise and total fear. When he regained his composure he screamed, then he took a deep breath and screamed again. The others came running. They screamed too, and before long not only were they screaming but the poor little monster that they had discovered while he was peeing and farting in the forest started screaming also. Well, this went on for sometime until gradually one by one each one stopped, gasping for air, and looking at the other, speechless, afraid and bewildered. No one was sure what to do next - it was as if they were all expecting something to happen, but it didn't.

-Yo, mate, like, DO something.
-Like what?
-I don't know, you're the expert, go on.
-Won't you two just shut the fuck up and DO something.
-Wait. Do you smell something?
-Yeah, I do.
-Yeah, fucking-A.

All this time, the scared-shitless monster had been frozen dead still. Now he slowly regained his senses and peered quizically at the three odd creatures at twelve'o'clock. Yep. There could be no doubt about it. They were those creatures that his mother had told him about. The ones that kill animals in order to eat, the ones that kill each other for some black substances, the ones that have 2 eyes (weird). Then one of the creatures said something that sounded like:

-Do you know what we can do with an amount this big?

And he only understood what it said because of those intensive courses in the Goketlinafafarri academy, where they teach their language and habits. Then the monster heard:

-We can get the gnarliest trip out of that!!
-No, think about the money dumbum.

What are they talking about?- the monster thought. His mind went back, way,way back to the boring lessons he had been made to sit through at the academy. The words started forming slowly in his head. The meanings reappearing like images out of a dense mist and as they became clear, the little monster became scared. Danger, danger flashed in his brain and then before he realised what he was doing he began to run, run faster than his six little legs had ever run before, while behind rang the cacophony of strange voices that had alarmed him.

-Shit man he's getting away
-Yea, so chase him
-You chase him, you found him.
-But what if he's gone to get his old man?

The voices faded into the distance. The little monster was safe at last. Meanwhile back at the ranch...

-You want them sunny side up? asked the cheery little housewife quite matter of factly.
. -Yeah, you heard about them boys' yesterday, stringing up that terrible terrible nigger?
-You know, I told Maggie only last week that we should get those electric fences up, now with the plague and all. They DO look nice, glowing in the afternoon, what with the white-washed house and all...
-Jonathan! Do pay attention when I talk to you!

The next day the 3 people, the mice and the 3 little bears woke up to the sound of the bells from the nearby church. After having some esp. with lactose and some baked flour with sweetberry jam, they proceeded to go back to where they saw the 6 legged, 3 and a half eyed, purple creature, or was it blue with yellow? :-) What they found there was one of the oddest artifacts that anyone on this 3 moon planet has ever seen, it was a fry pan with a fried egg done sunny side up, but stone cold. Only they didn't know that. They thought it was some strange hat or maybe a sign of some sort. They lifted it carefully, turned it upside down and shook it. Nothing happened, but it smelt kind of good despite the fact that it was cold and fried in cod liver oil. They decided that it must have belonged to the monster and therefore would be sellable for a great amount of money to the museum of Montesario which collected such rare and interesting artifacts as this was. As they were discussing how much they would ask for, get, and spend in one go, the three bears had concerns of their own...

-What is the meaning of our existence if not to be or not?
-But that is not the point.
-You seem to be agreeing yet your argument is laced with contradiction.
We decide to leave it there as it is far too high brow for the likes of us and besides we want to know what happened to the little monster.
First of all, though, let me remind you that this all started with my cousin. Now, Kyocerops, or, the monster, as we have so far seen him as, didn't consider himself to be a monster at all. No, rather he was a John Doe of his community, a steady, reliable worker at the mines, but noone his female brethren would notice in a bar, or, as they preferred to call it, the Hot Slut. After the rather appaling experience in the woods behind the two peaks, he kept thinking back to the moment he first lay his eyes on that strange, two-legged creature. He saw it all clear now, the trees, the Mouw, those three (or had there been more?), standing there, gasping for feir, mumbling something uncomprehensible.

-Now, I KNOW I have seen that face somewhere before.... If I could only bring it up to my extended RAM. Aaaah, now I know. It was the same face that I saw in a Emit magazine while I was vacationing at the carambaplayita, the local beach of the planet Solmentu which has 2 suns for the whole purpose of enjoyment. The monster, or Kyocerops as he is known at the local cybergym, went to the library to see if he can find a copy of the Emit mag. As he was entering the library he spoted one of his fellows.

-Hello Kyocerops, what's up?
-Hey what's up? Dromerops.
-No, I ask you first.
-Nothing much, I just came to see if I can find a back issue of Emit magazine, what about you?
-Oooooh, I came to check out the talent. There is a pretty cool monster chick who works at the counter.
-Mon, is that all you ever think about?

Anyway, you know the usual drill. One monster who is obsessed with the opposite sex talking to another monster who has realised there is more to life than reproduction. I won't bore you with details. The long and the short of it is that Kyocerops found his back issue, identified the human as the one advertising the special McDork burger at McMNonsters and satisfied his burning curiosity.

-Whoa, that was faar out.
-Yeah, I know.
-Anyone seen the toothpaste?
-It's right there, on the table.
-So, mister know-it all, who, or WHAT was that back in the woods?
-Uh? Oh THAT. It was a, how the hell should I know?
-Oh. come on, haven't you, like, been around?
-Then tell me.
-Don't feel like it.
-No, really, you don't wanna know.
-Let's ask Annah. Hey Annah, you think he wanna know?
-Brrr, that was COLD. What? I think he wanna know what?
-Oh, you know, THAT.
-Sure he does.
-Ok(sigh). Here goes.

Once upon a time, many moons ago and even further back than that, I happened to see something that changed my life. After that nothing ever felt quite the same. Whenever I looked at green it seemed kind of reddish, whenever I heard something sad it made me laugh, happy it made me cry. Everything happened upside down and round the wrong way, and I could only link this strange phenomena to the night in the woods when I met the monster. You see, I fell in love with that monster, in a split second. All of a sudden his little face no longer seemed grotesque and scary; the large, deformed nose seemed cute; it didn't seem to matter that it was only two feet tall...I could learn to live with that. My life changed...I felt love for the first time in my life and in the next moment had my heart broken more fatally and cruelly than I imagined it ever could be, for that little, beautiful, love-of-my-life monster took one look at me, screamed in horror, and fled into the darkening woods, never to be sighted again. Or so I thought.

- Wow, I never heard that story before, you kept it a secret!
-Yeah, I even have in a special box a piece of hair that Kyocerops gave me, and a picture as well.
- Really? let us see!!!
- OK, but promise not to laugh! This is the hair, and this is the picture.
- wow, that is the being we saw!!

Meanwhile, Kyocerops was attending a party with his friends at the Grufdisco (that they used to call the Hot Slut, but were sued by some para-military feminist strippers who had registered that trademark for their somewhat obscure postorder-catalogue-company dealing in U.S junk bonds.)

- Hey Kyocerops, do you want a Crorona?
- Yeah, I need to forget...
-Oh. Rough day?
-Rebe rebe. Shooo.
-'ere. 'ave a chunk of this 'ere fine brandy.

The music went boom crash bang, Kyocerops eyes went bluey. It was bliss. And no Texan Rangers in sight either. Aaahh. After three generous swigs of Mexican Brandy Life was worth living (until morning, that is. If there is one thing you don't see, it's a Kyocerops hung over. Why? Their incestines turn to molten lead and they quietly end up in Arkansas, selling Windows-95 to alien dupe fiends. That, alas, is another story).
As through a haze Kyocerops finds himself dancing with some frizzling dead-cute babe, he is moving extremities he didn't know himself in posession of. Long awaited divinations, asuredly and promptly pronounced by Nostradamus were closing up. Never heard of them? Well, the ghost-writer hated mispeling, and since Nostradamus came up with these tales dead drunk on boxing day, well, nobody would notice the omission. And so it went that the one and only of his predictions to actually be fulfilled went unrecorded through a zweck of time, only to meet our hero smack in the face. Around the corner.

-Phew. Dat's wild. Daddy, jou koming vit mee?
-Okay, just get him outta here. Them Kyoceropses' can go pop when blasted.
-Dissa waj. Jeje. Olla.
-Jou tikklish?
-Jast relaks kiddo. 'll be jast fajn. Here, I live around de korner.
-Corner, dorner, forner. My father was spitting my image. Auch. Middle stomach hurt. hehehehe.
-Shush now, the dead-cute for a moment looking more dead than cute says as matter-of-factly as her heart-skipped-a-beat body allows, looking around (quite needlessly. The Controllers are inplants, biochips in the b-stem, as any Culture elementary hyper-text will inform you). She even edged away from him for a split second, an uncontrolled spasm, from genes remembering the earlier and more crude form of correction, the blitz zigzagging from above, the thunderous voice, the curses. Of course, they had all changed now, upgraded. And it was just an uncontrolled impulse. She quickly inserted herself again. Mindfucking was the best, and this one, hell no retroviruses, no dark ice, he was f-c-i-g clean! She loved every electrical jolt of it. And just when she'd found him, he had to go and do this..

There it was. He had done it. Done the one thing You Just Don't Do. They always told you. At birth, in school, on the telly, at sleep, on the back of cereals.


     You are free.

      You can go.


   Don't besmirch Your Fath, or there will be hell to pay.

    No milk with the cereals.

        No commercials on the tivu.


  And we will actually make you pay for those holidays in Cambodia.

(So. You're disappointed this was the only Nostradamus prediction to hit the nail. Well. What can I tell you? What did you expect? The answer to the Universe? What's the question?. Tell you one thing though. Kyocerops was angry as hell when he woke up in Arkansas with 2000 pages of noncommital Windows-95 sales blurbs to read and memorize before breakfast.)

-You done with your teeth?
-Ready to play?
-Let's go!
-Last up the hill's a boneless chicken.
-Run, run run!

They tumble for a while in the crisp white wintery snow, yet untouched by human hand, but soon a real mess. They whip up their little semi-automatic and click a few memories. They bundle up on the snowboard and go whooshing down in death-despising manner. While laughing and screaming their heads off in joyous terror the following conversation is overheard. It has been edited by Controller SwQQ1.b.

-So, where did you meet this sweet meat of yours-not-to-be?
-At the airport in Barcelona. He was heading, unconsious, to gate 19, mumbling Arkansas, f-c- me, so I gather that's where he went. I was, at the time, on my way to Sarajevo, but our plane was again hi-jacked and diverted to the Vatican by some Roman Catholic DeadHeaders. It was OK, though. I got to see Joad again.
-Oh. How is he doing in Italy?
-Pretty Good, I think right now he seems to be drinking a lot, losing his thoughts in the bottom of the bottle of Whisky. Dark lonely nights in seedy little italian bars, dreaming of yesterday and teh day before, the good old days. but during the day he is a high powered executive, selling, buying, selling, buying, making loads of money and not so many friends. Pretty good, I think. But let's not talk about Toad, man, he is basically a loser and I have got more important things to do. Hey, shit, watch out for that rock partially buried beneath the snow ahead of us...
They chrashed. It was a sad, tragic end to an otherwise perfect day. The snowboard was totalled and they didn't look to good either, what with the bone in Kyocerops shins (3 of the 6) sticking out through the skin and blood pouring out all over the virgin snow.
Oh well, time to eat sausages again...

End of transcript D21-22-06.z
de-classified under registration act 22.9x1)

Too much. this is all too much, the table said gloomily. Or rather muttered, under its breadth. It hadn't attended those fancy edifices of higher education for nil. But the gloom, well, maybe it was a Monday table. It had long since given up on its owners idiosyncrasies, and may the thoughts of a safe life peril, thwarted by those men with musketeers (or was it sables? It wasn't sure anymore. Somehow the mem-chip had gotten fuddled up). Or maybe that too, had a Mind of its' own. Tended to cling to certain, seemingly random, mem-images. The white crisp snow. The warmth of a hot Sauna in deep winter. The initial sheer terror before recognition. And bacon/w/eggs, sunny side up? Bizarre humor, or simple intra-interference (sure, those blurbs all said it wasn't possible, but shucks, a lot of things were not possible, and yet...) Quite simply, the table was bored, and had used some of its' energy bandwidth to conjure up certain images from long since perished times. For amusement, and, possibly, educational purposes. Not that the material presented any obvoius entries, but that was part of the "fun".
Back. Rewind. House. Evening. (was this "nostalgia?". It wasn't sure, but suspected it might be).
....It was the way it should be, the way it always had been. They all lived in a strange atmosphere of familiar contentment. They finished each others sentences and scrubbed each others backs....
Hmm. There lay something in those words. Expectation? Cruelty? Or simply the passing of time, in the time-space continuum?
Did they recognize the smells? The physical presence of warmth, teeming out from the hot stove? Did they realize the cosiness of that short period. Were they at all, inclinded, as was obviously the table, to introspect? It was all in the way it queried. Surely there was more to dig up out there? It wasn't over yet, was it? What color, for instance, did that contentment have?
As the table sank back into REM-state there was a hissing sound.

to be continued by PETRI